In my dream the other night, Rich and I were driving down an isolated, unfamiliar, country-like road. It was dusk and the road eventually ended at a farm. There was some tie-in to work through various people in the dream. And then I was in a room alone. The girls joined me but they weren't the 6 year olds I know today. They were toddlers again. Able to walk but still not really talking. Their hair was back to peach fuzz. Oddly enough, I felt surprised that they knew me. I picked up Allie and immediately noted how light she felt in my arms.
At least two nights a week, I leave work at 6:30 and arrive home at 7:45. There are no express trains after rush hour so my commute is a bit longer. The girls are already in bed at that time. I travel from room to room and listen to the day's events and little voices reading books to me. It's all rushed because the clock is ticking and sometimes little ones are awake at six o'clock in the morning so sleep is knocking on the door.
The clock is always ticking.
Grammy sent me and Rich an email late this afternoon. Anna fell hard onto her knees in her classroom shortly before class was to end. It had hurt enough to require an ice pack and she was quite upset over the whole thing. I wanted to leave work at 6:30 but due to circumstances outside of my control, I was stuck there until 8:00. I kept thinking about Anna and I was mad that she fell. Not mad at her but that she has to deal with this. Her falling is different from other kids falling. It means something different.
My overtime will end this week. This project needs to be wrapped up by 5:00 on Friday because come hell or high water, I'm not working next week. We have family visiting from out of state and I've been planning to take that week of for months now. And I will. Something needs to change. And it will.
As I was scrolling through my twitter feed on the train ride home last Friday, I read this from Donnie Wahlberg: "Your dream is sitting there. Waiting on you. See it right in front of you? Now please step out of your own way and allow yourself to get it."
6 comments:
Aww. I know how you feel about the falling...P is almost 4 and has started asking lots of questions and referring to herself as sick!
Hugs.
Great quote! Good luck with your deadline. You deserve a week of rest next week :)
Have you ever considered looking for jobs in an area with a lower cost of living, perhaps a southern state? I have cousins who left Boston about 5 years ago for Georgia and love it. More relatives have since joined them.
I admire your strength and how hard you work but your commute and the stress of it all doesn't seem worth it. But I know for now it's a necessity. Hoping you have a much deserved vacation next week!
Hmmm. Yes, something is waiting for you out there! :)
Agree with Anonymous above about looking elsewhere to live or work. You can find a life with more balance. Don't be afraid to go outside of your comfort zone as far as salary. I think you are a good example that money doesn't equal happiness.
Oh, how I would love to live somewhere warm year round. We won't move for several reasons though - the majority of our families live here, we have access to the some of the best hospitals in the country for Anna, our school system and the services Anna receives are excellent. I think the real issue is that it is very difficult to find a tax job that doesn't have overtime. It's the nature of the business. And I'm the one holding the benefits now. Rich and I do have work-related plans/goals but not something I want to blog about. Plus, some of my stress is people related - and we all know crazy people live everywhere!
It's odd because around here - the majority of jobs are located in the city or if they are outside the city, you still have a commute. Traffic is terrible around here.
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