An empty stocking

After an excited Emily bounced around like a rubber ball for three days, Rich was finally able to locate and hang our stockings. With care. I wasn't there for the event and hadn't really taken a good look at the stockings until the other night.

There was Abbey's stocking dangling peacefully from a reindeer holder.

My conversation with Allie post was a real conversation that I debated over whether or not to publish because of how personal it is. Shortly after I had tucked the girls into bed that night, I was working on one of my Shooting in Manual posts. Our conversation was still fresh in my mind and I wanted to replay it for Rich later so I clicked on the New Post button and typed it out so I wouldn't forget any of it. There it sat - an unintentional post.

And then I read something on the internet the very next day. I read something that made me realize that I have to be my daughter's voice. So that night, I published my unintentional post.

When I was pregnant with Abbey, I wanted to attempt a "natural" unmedicated birth in a hospital. I knew that there was the possibility that it may not work out that way but I wanted to try. I also did not want to be induced. I remember saying, "Babies come when they're ready. Right?" The problem is that I always had that question at the end of my statement.

My OB wanted to induce me at 41 weeks. I balked because babies come when they are ready. Right? She agreed to let me go to 42 weeks but there would be a non stress test and possibly (I can't remember now) an ultrasound at my 41 week appointment. Abbey died at 40 weeks and 5 days. I had successfully passed a nonstress days two days earlier.

When I arrived at the hospital in labor, almost all of the fluid surrounding her was gone. My water had not broken.

I later accidentally discovered, while flipping through my file at the MFM's office, that the tiny bit of remaning fluid had been full of meconium.

The autopsy results could not tell us why she died, only how. She did not receive enough oxygen.

Many babies do come when they are ready but sometimes something goes very wrong and they don't. The problem is that there is no good answer on how to resolve this.

It is my belief that if I had been induced on my due date, my child would be here with me now. And yes, it is true that our experiences define us and our beliefs. When I was pregnant with the triplets, I didn't care if an alien ship descended from outer space to suck the babies from my belly button. As long as they were born alive and healthy and handed over to a doctor, I would be happy.

When I rushed downstairs this morning to hastily iron a shirt to wear to work, I found the girls gathered around each other on the floor. They were drawing pictures, writing names and stamping stamps. Crafting. And then I heard Emily ask, "Which stocking is Abbey's?" She was standing on the hearth, clutching a little drawing to stuff into her sister's stocking. Abbey's stocking will not remain empty this Christmas.