Can a mother who is missing a child really fully enjoy Mother's Day?
I knew that there was something else going on aside from the girls' behavior on Mother's Day but I pushed it away as I am so often forced to do. Mother's Day was a reminder that one of my girls was not with me. And she never will be. It's hard to ignore those facts.
May is not an easy month for me. Memorial Day is just a few weeks away. That was Abbey's due date. So not only do I feel the sting of her actually due date but the burn of that holiday as well. Each day between Memorial Day and her birthday is full of "what ifs" and memories.
This is about the time that I dig my heels into the ground and attempt to keep time from moving. I don't want May to end.
And then there are my girls who are here with me. I often spend extra time cuddling with them. Holding them. Breathing in what is left of their babyness. They are growing up too fast.
Their sister would have been three years old now as well. Waiting to celebrate her fourth birthday. How long is her hair? How tall is she? What does her voice sound like? What are her favorite toys? What is her favorite color?
We'll never know.