Wednesday, May 12, 2010

A wish for time to stand still

Can a mother who is missing a child really fully enjoy Mother's Day?

I knew that there was something else going on aside from the girls' behavior on Mother's Day but I pushed it away as I am so often forced to do. Mother's Day was a reminder that one of my girls was not with me. And she never will be. It's hard to ignore those facts.

May is not an easy month for me. Memorial Day is just a few weeks away. That was Abbey's due date. So not only do I feel the sting of her actually due date but the burn of that holiday as well. Each day between Memorial Day and her birthday is full of "what ifs" and memories.

This is about the time that I dig my heels into the ground and attempt to keep time from moving. I don't want May to end.

And then there are my girls who are here with me. I often spend extra time cuddling with them. Holding them. Breathing in what is left of their babyness. They are growing up too fast.

Their sister would have been three years old now as well. Waiting to celebrate her fourth birthday. How long is her hair? How tall is she? What does her voice sound like? What are her favorite toys? What is her favorite color?

We'll never know.

6 comments:

Jessica said...

This is so true, unfortunately I have come to not really like Mother's Day. It is a painful reminder that one of my children is not here. I wish it was a day that we could both enjoy all of our children.
You will be in my thoughts as you get through the month of May.

His Mom said...

You know I am right there with you as Curtis' birthday lands on Memorial day this year....Mother's day has always been hard on me. I just don't enjoy it. So many people were wishing me Happy Mother's Day and I just kept thinking, while I am happy to have my 2 living children...it will never truly feel complete.

May is hard.

Hope's Mama said...

Missing Abbey with you. I know the years don't make it easier.
xo

Anonymous said...

I can never understand what you have gone through and what you will always have to deal with. You are truly one of the strongest people I know. I think of you and Abigail a lot.
Molly

apaprikao said...

Oh, I know your pain. My oldest daughter died in June of 2006 as well. My second was born in April of 2007 at 36 weeks. We have some things in common. It is hard to fully enjoy Mother's Day anymore and I always wonder too. I hope your three girls made it as special as they could though. They are all so beautiful!

Tracy said...

Blessed are you who has suffered unimaginable loss and moves forward with strength and hope. God not only blessed you with 3 beautiful girls, he blessed 3 little girls with a incredible mother.