Tuesday, December 8, 2009

I sometimes feel like a fraud

for posting all these great, wonderful stories of adorable toddlers when in fact that is not the complete truth of my life. The complete truth can never be told here, I suppose. My personal struggles. My personal fears. My personal demons.

I had another cute post planned for last night but it seems that with each passing week, my personal time shrinks. Last night I had about 15 minutes to myself. I wasn't even able to finish my dinner. If I had been able to bring my laptop on the train yesterday, that post would have been ready to publish and I suppose I would have hit that publish button during those 15 minutes. My office moved to a different building and I had to drag my work laptop home with me over the weekend and then back to its new location yesterday morning. I am not physically capable of lugging two laptops around the city so my personal laptop stayed at home.

Here's the thing - when a baby dies, when your baby dies, you hate to ever complain about anything related to your children who are alive because you know first hand what the alternative is. You know how horrific and gut wrenching life can be. You know that there are women out there who would give anything to have just one of their babies alive. You don't want to complain because you know how lucky you are to have what you have.

I could have delayed my bedtime last night and finished up the princess ballerina hair post and published that as if my night was going great. I just couldn't do it though because I felt like a fraud. My night was not going great. I know that there are some bloggers out there who admit to only blogging about sunshine and rainbows because they don't want their kids to someday read how hard it was. That is not me. My girls will know that raising triplets is difficult. I'm not going to sugarcoat that. I love them with all my heart and soul but parenting three of the same age is difficult. {And by the way, Grammy used to call you high maintenance babies.}

I also felt like a fraud for reading Runner's World on the train yesterday. That will have to be another post for another day as my personal time here right now is dwindling and I need to wrap up this post. I somewhat almost tearfully told Rich the other day that I was just about to flush my dream of ever running a marathon down the toilet. But there I was on the train reading Runner's World.

So today is another day. And I am forced to wear brown flats with black pants (that look best with heels) and black trouser socks because I forgot to pick up the bag with my black heels this morning after I put it down to hug and kiss the girls goodbye. {Remember the office move. Shoes came home as well. I was not going to trust them to the movers.} I am off to a great start already!


Lani said...

I know exactly how you feel.. I wish I could be more open about a lot of things on my blog but with certain people reading, it just can't happen. And don't get me started on the running. I am supposed to run a marathon in less than a month which will not be happening. I have to shoot for the half marathon, and even with that I am sure I will do some walking. But- I am never willing to give up the dream of running a marathon, and everything else I want to do in life. It seems like it may never happen sometimes... but I just can't let myself believe that. You shouldn't either!

Sara said...

I am not a sunshine and rainbows kind of blogger. I think we moms need to hear the struggles that we all face. I feel very alone in my own struggles at times, but it helps to know that someone else is going through the same things.

I understand about the running thing. Sometimes I feel like my life is on hold. I hope you can find a balance. I know how hard that is.

Adriane said...

I think we can all say a group AMEN. I do blog about my struggles, but I've only admitted to wanting to sell my girls once, when the truth is many more times than that. :-) I hope you do blog about REAL life. That's the point. I want my girls to know that it was no freaking picnic AT ALL.

I hope you do run the marathon. Maybe it won't be this year, but they eventually grow up, right? God, I hope so!

Helen said...

We all have those moments Sarah. It's tough too because you know the bulk of your family and friends only want to hear/see the cute stories of your kids. Sometimes you just have to remind yourself though (like you did on this post!) that it is YOUR blog and you can whine if you want to!

I hope you can find 30 minutes to yourself today. Time for peace and quite and just doing nothing. You owe yourself that.

Anonymous said...

Although my situation was different than yours, having experienced losses makes me feel guilty if I even THINK of complaining about whining, food-throwing, poop explosions, you name it - it always goes back to all the time I used to have alone to do whatever the heck I wanted, when having that time for me was exactly what I didn't want. You are not alone.
And BTW, you will run a marathon, it may just not be as soon as you'd like :-)

Mandy said...

I'm the same way. If I get annoyed for even a moment at something my toddler has done I feel so guilty. We had too many miscarriages and almost lost her so I feel bad if I forget for even a moment how grateful I am to have her (and her baby brother). And I never post about the actual bad things on my blog bc my family doesn't want to hear that. So I post about good things and mildly bad things. I often think about starting a newblog just so I won't feel like a fraud about my feelings too. I am holding out hope that when everyone has reached four or five I can fit myself into my schedule too. Good luck. I love your blog because you do tell it like it is and it helps me keep my life in perspective. Thank you.

SandiH said...

As a mom of two singletons, I definitely haven't been in your shoes. I know that many of my days when my children were small felt like marathons, so can't imagine how much harder it must be with three the same age. I applaud you for admitting that everything is not sunshine and rainbows, a sentiment I'm sure every parent can appreciate, whether they have one child or multiples. A parent that only has days of sunshine and rainbows is probably on some really good medication, or should be!

I enjoy reading your blog and hope you don't beat yourself up when you can't post every day. Your girls are healthy, active, intelligent and beautiful. Enjoy the little moments and use them to help get through the hard times. Sometimes there will be more hard times than good, but hopefully the balance will turn as they get older.

Tracy said...

I am also an exhausted mother with four kiddos 3 and under, but have started to see the light. Each day it gets easier as the triplets can dress themselves and go to the bathroom alone (#1 anyways). I just have to remind myself, this is what I prayed for with all my heart and take a deep breath. Now my prayer is "Dear Heavenly Father, please give me the strength to cope with my blessings."

CNH said...

I have this internet stalker who waits for me to post things that s/he thinks make me a "bad" parent and then calls CPS on me. It's incredible, really. I unpublished my blog and censored myself for a long time. But then I got tired of hiding myself. My almost-three-year old stabbed one of my 18 month old twins in the forehead with a fork today because he tried to eat her pancakes. It just don't get more "real" than that, you know?


Wendy said...

I wish I could say something to help you feel better :(
I wish you didn't feel like you couldn't or shouldn't talk about your bad days. I think it's possible to be grateful for what you have and to be upset with how hard having that can be. ((hugs))

Hope's Mama said...

I hear you, Sarah. Loud and clear. I feel like I can't say anything much at all right now. As you know, everything is sunshine and rainbows for the most part, but raising a newborn (just one of them!) is also really hard (so man, do I admire you right now!) so I feel like I can't say much.
You're right though, as hard as it gets, its SO much easier than the alternative. Don't we know it.

Meg said...

I don't know what it's like to lose my own child.

I do know that I think you're incredible and that you shouldn't ever feel badly for having an off day, or a bad day, or for feeling overwhelmed when the girls aren't behaving... We've all got those bad days with multiples (or singletons...) - remember, you are not alone. :)

Mommy, Esq. said...

I actually am always amazed how upbeat your posts are. I want to hear more about how you deal with Anna and her SB since I know it must be tough to have a kid with a chronic condition. I know it sounds weird but I like hearing about the tough times because that is what we all go through. My mom had triplet girls at 25 and she admits it would have been harder in her 30s but that it got so much easier by the time we were 4 that she had another baby. Crazy, I know.

Kelly said...

I admire your honesty.....and appreciate the truthful words. You are not alone.....hopefully there is comfort in that.
Hang it there... ;)

Sarah said...

Thank you all for your comments. I appreciate your words.

Mommy, Esq - I am actually working on a post related to Anna and SB for some time this week.

JEN said...

Hi Sarah -
From what I read about you here (and that is only a small snapshot into your life), you hold down a job, you have a long commute, you keep your marriage intact, you run, you take outstanding pictures, you keep three children clothed and fed and happy, keep a household running, all being severely sleep deprived. You have my admiration and respect.

Deanna said...

I haven't been reading here all that long, but for the record, I think you're pretty amazing just to keep up with all that you do. Like a couple of others said, I enjoy reading blogs that keep it "real," and I am always interested to read when others are struggling because we ALL go through it. (And if you didn't stress out occasionally, you would really be supermom and we all might hate you just a little!!)

I can't begin to imagine the pain of losing your first daughter, but those of us who read here know that raising triplets is hard too, and we would never think less of you for complaining at times. I'm looking forward to hearing more about Anna's SB too, and how you deal with those added issues.