Over the past few weeks, I feel like the topic of grief, specifically grief surrounding stillbirth, has been present more so than usual. What's usual these days? Well, that varies. And I guess that's my point. These discussion and questions normally surround fresh grief and I look at myself, a 7 years member of this club, and wonder if I even have any right to give advice. My pain is no longer excruciating and raw. It's still here, only different.
I've always wanted to write a book. I was an avid reader growing up and I suppose my desire to write stemmed from constantly surrounding myself with books. I enrolled in a creative writing course in college and was quite happy to find how easy it was to create short fictional tales. I've dreamed up quite a few plots for novels over the years and even began writing the introduction to one that involved a rock star (because you know I had more than enough research on that subject) but I'm not a writer. I can write a blog but I don't know if I could ever write a book.
After Abigail died, I wanted to write a memoir. I don't recall my exact reasons for wanting to do so but I obviously had not yet come to the realization that I'm not a writer. I could never write a book like Elizabeth McCracken did. But now, 7 years later, some memories are foggy. Dates and timelines begin to bend and fold into one another. What will it be like in another 7 years? There are certain moments, certain scenes, certain emotions that will always stay with me but I fear what could be forgotten.
Over the past few weeks, I've found myself back to where I was more than 7 years ago. Crying at the cemetery. Wanting to take my anger out on the detour signs lined up on our street. Afraid to look at babies. I tell myself that I should just write out what I remember. Who cares about being eloquent or an awesome writer. Just write. Maybe that will be more helpful to others. And healing for me.
I don't really know where I'm going with this. A spattering of thoughts, perhaps....
10 comments:
I really enjoy your posts about Abbey. They are so visceral and real. I would read a memoir about your life a thousand times over. I understand that may not be in the cards but I do look for posts like these. I often wonder where your head is at with all of it and insight into that is always welcome. These posts do help people. Even if people is just me. I don't know if grief is a good subject to give advice on because it is so complicated and so personal to each one who endures it. But sharing experience with it is certainly therapeutic for you and if it can touch one person it is indubitably worth it.
Keep on keeping on. I am rooting for you!
I agree. Just write whatever you remember. :) Anything is better than nothing. She's certainly important enough, and it's obviously important enough to you, so just go for it. :)
I say write! It will be healing for you I am sure and healing and helpful for all who read it. I also think it would be helpful if there is a section in there by your mother and one from Rich.
I just helped support a good friend through her second late term miscarriage and wish there were more good books on the subject to help those going though it and those supporting someone going through it.
You could always try and if you don't like how to turns out, just tuck it far away somewhere. However, I think you will be quite satisfied with how to turns out, especially if you remember not to be critical of yourself. You may want to remember more in 30 years, or maybe your other 3 girls will want to know more when they are young moms. My MIL's first son was born sleeping 30 years ago and she is forever changed. I am a medical student now flip flopping between OB/Gyn and Peds. Either way I will care for mothers in similar situations as yours and I appreciate reading your grief posts. Thank you for sharing.
PS - I think you have a very interesting writing style. It is so real. I can tell you don't spend hours trying to perfect it. Sometimes I think you are going somewhere and then you just stop. I love that.
"It is so real. I can tell you don't spend hours trying to perfect it"
I couldn't agree with Molly more! I appreciate that about your writing style.
I like to read about Abbey it's different than when you write about other things but it does feel real. I don't comment on Abbey's posts often because sometimes I feel like I'll say the wrong thing but the way you sprinkle her posts through your blog makes it feel so genuine reminding us that even though there aren't every day stories about her she's still a big part of your story.
I'm sure AA&E will also like being able to read more about her when they can understand better.
I agree. Who says it has be right away to capture all of the raw, new emotions? You've learned a lot about yourself and life and that piece of it would help others too. I know I would definitely read it. You're a great writer, it's not about being perfect or being like any other writer. Good luck with whatever it is you choose to do!
I just realized Abby died 6 weeks after my Mom died. I went to Mom's grave 2 weeks ago and told her off. I need to ask her something and couldn't.
While we all grieve differently sharing it with others helps us go on. BTW, I know of someone that watched her fiancé die in a horrible car accident and can't talk about it. She still has problems with suicidal thoughts and it has been almost 6 years. Grief does not get better unless you talk about it!
I want to thank you all for your comments. I really do appreciate your feedback and thoughts.
Write it out, get it all out of your head so it can feel a little clearer (or lighter). Even if you just write it for you - it doesnt need to be well written or even make sense!
its like when you are angry and you want to yell at someone, once you write it all out, it feels better!
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