Today is Abbey's birthday. In another world, I would be celebrating a seven year old but here now, I'm wondering what to do and how to feel. I still grieve. Anger and sadness still occupy space within me. It's no longer a constant feeling and sometimes that causes guilt. I don't suppose it ever feels "right." There's always that question every year of what to do, how to mark the day. As if we have to do something tangible to prove that she really did exist, if only for a short period of time.
This year was a bit different in that the craziness of life has been a welcome distraction. I usually fight with the month of May, not wanting it to end. My good friends and I had tickets to see NKOTB Sunday night and I was so incredibly excited for this concert and the chance to catch up with friends. It was odd to want June 2nd to happen for that meant that June 4th and all the emotions that go along with it would follow.
Abbey will forever be a baby to me. I try to imagine her as a seven year old and can't. I can only see a little girl with hair the color of honey running away from me.