Thursday, April 19, 2012

On aging

I used to look young for my age. Shortly before my graduation from college, my mom and I bumped into someone she casually knew on campus (she worked at the college I attended). When my mom stated that I was graduating in a few weeks, the colleague asked what college I would be attending the next year.

I had heard comments like those many, many times and it continued until looking 25 versus 33 didn't really make a difference.

I feel like I just about look my age now. Although, Grammy and I have had strangers stop us when we are out with the girls to ask if Grammy is the mom. That would make me the much older sister of triplets. I always find those comments amusing. Seriously?

I don't like seeing myself in photos anymore but I try not to make a big deal out of it because I know that there's more to life than the way you look. I was rifling through a stack of old photos tonight looking for one from when Rich ran the Disney Marathon. (I was going to use it in my pre-trip report.) I held up a photo as Rich walked by. "Can you believe how young we look?"

Fall 2003


That may look like a fake backdrop but it's real. I wonder what happened to that sweater?

Summer 2005 with my niece, Beth.


My arm is so tone. I miss my personal trainer.

June 2006. Two weeks after Abbey's death. With my niece, Beth.


I'm sharing that photo because you can see, in my eyes, how a part of me died with my daughter. The past six years have been tough. I gave birth to four babies in ten months time. I've survived more sleepless nights than not. I want to say that I wouldn't change anything for the world but really, a baby died. When I start to have these what if thoughts, my mind goes into overload.

Quite honestly, getting old sucks but I love my little girls with all my heart and can't even imagine a world without them.


Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing Sarah. There are so many things I want to say but I will just leave it at - feel the love that surrounds you and know that you are not alone. Much love and hugs.

Jessica said...

My heart goes out to you. It takes such a strong person to say those things out loud. Your an amazing mom, those girls love you. Like Denice said, thank you for sharing.


Laura said...

It must be so painful to have lost a child so young. You are very strong to have gotten through it, even though it must haunt you every day. But those girls you have now are so beautiful, they look so much like you and Rich, and you are so very blessed to have them. I would say lucky but I don't believe in luck - God made all your children specially for you by hand. No matter what all your children are still yours and still with you. God bless all of you, and I hope your children will be as strong as you are.

Anonymous said...

I have been reading your blog for about a year now. I am a 28 year New Zealander with a three year old girl who looks so similar to your girls, which is maybe part of the reason why I keep coming back.. But mainly, there is something about your blog that makes me feel a connection with your kids, even more so than with you, the writer. And I don't mean that in a bad way, it's just that most 'mommy' blogs are actually about the moms, rather than the kids. Do you know what I mean? Don't get me wrong, I enjoy them, the outfits, the thrifting, blah, blah.. But I actually really care and am interested in your kids.. isn't the internet a weird thing? That I could feel that way about three children I have never, and will never, meet. It comes down to your focus, and the way you present your life and your family.
Anyway, the point is that this was an amazing post, because I feel like I am getting more of an insight into who you are as a person. I have read about Abbey in many posts, but your comment about how something in you died with your daughter, and seeing that in your eyes in the pictures.. that really struck a huge chord with me. I think you are an amazing strong and inspirational person. Thanks for letting us into your life.

Hope's Mama said...

Oh Sarah I so get it. I remember up until pretty recently, I still got asked for ID when buying a bottle of wine. Probably pre-Hope days, certainly not after. I have also aged a lot and I think I finally look my age (almost 33). Probably a bit older. The living kids have certainly done a number on my youthful appearance, not to mention the grief.
That last photo. Wow. It says so many things to me. I recognise myself in your eyes. I know that look. I know how you were feeling on the inside. I have photos just like these. They are so hard to look at now, let alone post on a blog.

Souza Sisters said...

This post spoke to me. I remember talking to my husbnad after we lost the twins and telling him that I wasn't the same person I was before we lost them. I looked different, I felt different and I think I acted a little different too. (((HUGS))) to you.

Wendy said...

I just wanted to say that I'm really sorry for your loss. You have certainly been through a lot and you're a very strong person.

Chantel said...

I feel like I aged SO much between May of 2006 when Curtis died until Cole was born. Surviving his death and the next handful of years, really stressful pregnancies, miscarriage, surgeries, babies.... I cannot believe how young I looked in April of 2006 compared to now.

CJ said...

I can totally see it in your eyes.. I'm so sorry... :(

Becky said...

I am like you. I have always been told I look young also. When I was graduating college I too would get the "where you going to college" because people assumed I was just graduating high school. I miss that girl.

I am 31 now but with you though that I feel after baby loss I have aged a few years alone just from that.

Tesha said...

I am stopping by from Kelly's I am so sorry you have know the sorrow of loss also. I have to say that look much older since my Jonathan went to Heaven and it has only been 3 months. Hopefully some of that is from the lack of sleep and will get better in time. I am blessed to have met you.

Sarah said...

I hate being in this club but at least I'm not alone. Your comments made me feel a little bit better today. Thank you.

Eyes Wide Open said...

On a serious note, my sister made the same comparison about me in photos. I haven't lost a full-term baby but I have lost 5 pregnancies in the last two years. She was looking at some pictures of a party I threw when I was (secretly) pregnant with my first and said I just looked so happy, so full of life. Looking at pictures from this Christmas, shortly after I lost my fourth pregnancy, she said I look hollow. That's pretty accurate, because that's how I feel most of the time. I think of you and Abby often, and I'm just so happy that you have your girls. In fact, your blog gives me much hope that maybe, one day, if I can make it through these dark times, I'll get a blessing too.
Now, on a less serious note, I am 30 and was out with one of my friends who is 34 and has two children (5 and 1), and someone stopped us and asked if I was the grandmother. So cheers to your mom looking young enough to have 5 year olds! And, I think I need a make-over.

Stacy said...

People always said I looked young for my age ... but then my daughter died and I aged a lot. I can see it in pictures. If it is obvious to me I think it must be obvious to others. Oh well. It's who I am.