Sunday, March 22, 2009

The Missing Dress, Photography and Spring

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I had somewhat of a difficult time purchasing the girls' new dresses for their birthday party and Easter. I knew that I didn't want to spend a lot of money especially considering the fact that I could only guarantee that the girls would be wearing these dresses on three (possibly four) occasions: Easter, their upcoming birthday party, their cousins' birthday party and possibly for a spring photo shoot.

I was excited to discover adorable dresses at Target for less than $20 each. Four years ago, I never thought I would be buying dresses from Target but here we are today. Times change. People change. I guess I was a bit of a baby clothing snob.

I had to decide between the fancy dresses and the really-nice-but-not-so-fancy dresses. I went with the fancy ones. The decision then turned to whether I should buy three of the same dress or three completely different dresses. I hemmed and hawed, calling Rich on my cell phone to ask for his opinion. I told him I was having a difficult time with making a decision. I NEVER have a difficult time making clothing decisions.

And then I realized that my hang-up wasn't over choosing these three dresses. It was knowing that I should be purchasing a fourth dress. That I had another daughter. She would be wearing a fancy dress as well. Size 3T. Would I have purchased four of the same dress or would she have been wearing a dress different from what the triplets would be wearing? Would the triplets be called "the triplets" instead of "the girls"? Did you know that? We don't refer to Allie, Anna and Em as "the triplets." EVER. Papa and Grammy do on occasion. I have heard other family members say it as well. It doesn't bother me - it's just how it is. If my other daughter were here, would it be any different?

Rich and I accumulated a variety of books after Abigail's death and birth. From the hospital. From family. How to grieve. How others grieve. I remember flipping through some of them. I never really read them because doing so made me feel even sadder. There was one article though that really stood out. I think of it quite often. It was from a grandmother whose grandchild had been born still. She compared this grief to standing in an ice cold stream. At first, the cold is overwhelming and then gradually, slowly, your feet become numb. The cold water is still there and always will be, but you don't feel it as much.

I suppose that's how I feel today. My feet are numb. But occasionally a splash of icy water jumps up and hits my face.

(And is someone really going to use my above comments in a negative way? Come on, seriously? Seriously!)

I created the picture in this post yesterday while messing around with my camera and then Photoshop Elements. Rich says that he likes it but he can't get past the clothes hanger. Because I put the picutre in black and while, he thinks it is "old school" but the coat hanger distracts him. I told him that if anything, the closet doors should give it away. I actually wasn't tyring to make it look old-fashioned. I view the black and white as an additional element. I might have to make this my semi-photography blog because God knows I can't keep up with another blog.

That conversation with Rich made me miss our old house, which happens for a variety of reasons here and there. And when I say old, I mean old. That house was built in the late 1800's and is full of photo opportunities. Wide pine floors, a clawfoot tub, fancy moldings, glass and ceramic door knobs. What I don't miss though are the mice and the ghosts and the drafts and the occasional ice dam leaking through the kitchen door. We know what antique closet doors look like and they don't look like the doors in my picture.

What I also miss are all the flowers and shrubbery.

Aside from some chives coming up in the neighbor's garden, I hadn't seen any signs of spring until yesterday when we spotted some purple crocuses sprouting up in a little area off of the center of town. We took the girls for a quick ride yesterday over to the next town to check out a fence. Before Rich signs a contract with The Fence Guy, I wanted to see the fence we would be getting. This fence was really nice and exactly what I was looking for.

Last spring, I purchased all these seeds and then never planted anything. Not only did I not have the time, it seemed futile knowing that the deer would be eating my efforts. Rich and I are a little excited about the new fence because we can actually plan and plant a nice garden this year. Besides some standard builder's special plants and bushes, we have nothing interesting here. Except crazy babies.

All we need now is for some warm weather to move in and stay put!


Danielle said...

Glad to see Abigail make an appearance on your blog again. I have missed her.

Hope's Mama said...

I agree Sarah, it is nice to see Abigail back, if only for one entry. And yes, my feet are very numb. Very.

mrsgingergrl said...

I've been having a hard time lately accepting that my 'feet have gone numb'... i feel guilty over the days where I don't feel awful anymore. This explanation summed it up so well for me.

So often I do the same... wonder, what would I be buying Jack to wear? How different would everything be.

And I love target for everything, including baby clothes. :)

Sarah said...

Thanks for the comments - I appreciate them.

And I wish we didn't have to have numb feet. Better numb feet than numb hearts though.

And I LOVE Target - for everything.

Bloggerman1984 said...

To me this post illustrated why it seems like you are so annoyed by the general public making comments like "3 really are they triplets" Bc if Abigail was there maybe they wouldn't be so inclined too or you would say "no 4" I'm probably totally off base but thought i would mention it from my other comment.