Stillbirth

This is about stillbirth and grief.

My grief.

When you experience a terrible loss, and please note that I dislike using the word loss as it implies the opposite, found, is a possibility, it's only natural to grieve.  And those around you may grieve as well, but their grief is different from yours and we all grieve in a different manner.  Family and friends will want you to feel better because then they themselves will feel better so they may push thoughts and actions onto you.

It's okay to feel however you want to feel.

It has been eleven years, four months and seven days since Abigail's death and I came to an epiphany of sorts just last week.  After Abigail passed away, Rich and I met with two different counselors.  A positive experience came from a session with a social worker at a local hospital.  She very much focused on how no one was to blame for Abigail's stillbirth.  Unfortunately, our meeting with a private counselor was very different.  Now, I admit that I wasn't keen on going to meet with this woman in the first place.  I feel like I tried to keep an open mind but her focus was on God and I was not in a place to talk about God.  If I wanted to discuss God and his actions and at the time, my beliefs, I would have gone to a priest.  My memory may be foggy as this was more than ten years ago but I distinctly remember her trying to make a connection between God allowing children in Africa to die and God allowing Abigail to die.  I felt like she was attempting to use this connection to force me to admit that yes, God allows people to die and we should move on.  I stalked out of that building full of anger.

Last week, I was finally able to voice what I wish I could have said all those years ago.  Abigail belonged to me.  Her death belongs to me.  This is mine.  This grief and anger and upset is mine and I don't want anyone telling me what I should do with it.

(Obviously, Abigail's death impacted others (Rich!) and not just me.  I'm referring to those outside of that direct impact.)

People are so quick to offer advice and opinions and help, but there were times I wanted to be alone in my grief.  I wanted to work through my anger by myself.  This shouldn't be wrong, just as seeing a therapist or a counselor or a social worker isn't wrong.  Death, grief, guilt - it's all so very personal.  Do what you feel is right, not what others want you do.

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.  My experience is with "unexplained" stillbirth and so that is what I speak of.  If you're pregnant, you should fully understand kick counts and their importance.  I used to believe that a baby would come when she was ready.  No one ever sat me down and discussed stillbirth or what signs to look for, especially in an overdue pregnancy.  Some may say that the risk of stillbirth is low in babies who go past 40 weeks, but that risk doesn't seem so low to me.