After Abbey's death, there was a moment in time where I could see with such clarity what was really important in life. A few years earlier, one of my brothers had almost perished in a boating accident and for awhile afterwards, I felt a bit lighter. It was as if I had unburdened myself of an unnecessary weight. But then slowly, day by day, I reverted back to the time before. I hadn't known that my brother was in any danger until the entire situation had resolved and he was found safe. With Abbey, I carried her around inside of me for 40 weeks. While I'd had a glimpse of real life after my brother's accident, it showed itself bright and clear when Abbey died.
It's a wake up call no one ever wants to receive.
But here's what happens - you become tired and busy and you fall back in line with everyone else. Not the same as before but you let stuff get to you more than it should. You still have a mortgage and car payments and there's only so long you can brush off the politics at work because why should Rob be promoted when he's clearly not as qualified as you are. You know what's important, what really matters, but you allow it to quietly slip into the background. You let the noise take over.
I've had a lot of time to think these past few months, to get back to where my mind should be. It's hard to let crap go. I know. Especially when it's not in your nature to do so.
I've always been the person who lives for tomorrow and has trouble slowing down to smell the roses of today. Last month, I had a lot of thoughts flying around regarding the future. Maybe I'll do this, maybe I'll do that. Why am I always rushing? Slow down.
The holiday season for me is always a bit tough. I'm missing a child and we never devised any tradition to include her that makes me feel good. There's always just a hole that cannot be filled. But I have three other children here who are very much in the holiday spirit and this year with me not working, we've been given the gift of time. It's a gift I'm going to acknowledge and respect. We don't have to rush through the creation of gingerbread houses or the baking of sugar cookies. There is time.
We all lose dreams along the way and it's okay to keep a few tucked away deep inside. What really matters is holding on to the dreams that have come true.