Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Eight Years

I sometimes wonder if it would be different if I knew.  Well, I do know.  There wasn't enough oxygen and essentially, she suffocated.  But how did that happen?  And why?  I don't suppose an answer would change my grief though.  After all, grief is grief.  It's been eight years and I still ask questions.  I still research and rehash what was said to me, trying to piece together clues that everyone has moved on from.  I can only conclude that babies don't always come when they're ready.  And there's research to back that.  A placenta can break down, amniotic fluid can disappear, a nightmare can turn into reality.  I want everyone to know that this can happen.

It's been eight years and I still feel many of the emotions I felt back then.  Anger, sadness, bitterness, despair, guilt, regret.  It doesn't just go away.  Emotions soften with time but they are still there.

Abigail's headstone lists her date of birth - June 4 - which may seem odd because she died before she was born.  This past week is always a slow, difficult one with each day marking memories leading up to her birth.  And then it's June 4th.  And another year passes.  

15 comments:

Margaret said...

I have lurked on your blog for several years, but rarely comment. Your family has been on my mind the past few weeks because I'm due in 5 days with our 3rd baby. With my 1st I was blissfully unaware of all the things that can go wrong, but I've read more over the past 5 years and now I know some of the possibilities. I keep whispering "I hope you can stay" to my little guy. I'm so sorry that you had the heartbreak of losing your beautiful daughter. You will be in my prayers tomorrow.

Marcia (123 blog) said...

Sarah, I am so very sorry for your loss.

I don't think there's any perfect length of time for grief - your feelings are understandable.

xxx

Melaka said...

My thoughts are with you today. My journey is different than yours but I still grieve and feel your grief. I gave up my baby for adoption 31 years ago in May so it sneaks up on me this time of year. There is not a day goes by that I don't think of that child and his wellbeing. I always thought that there would be more children to come my way; to fill up my heart and the void of him not being with me. I never did have more children. Now, do I regret the ultimate sacrifice knowing that I'll never have a child or grandchildren or someone to carry on my legacy or the memory of me? Some days I say yes and some days I say no. Although I had a choice and you didn't, the grief is still there and that's ok. There is nothing wrong in remembering your special daughter. And just accept that it will always be this way. Always.

Just the Tip said...

Thinking of you. ♡♡

Marion said...

I can't imagine that pain. I'll be thinking of you and your family today...

Susanne said...

Praying God's peace fills you during this anniversary.

Anonymous said...

Prayers for you today.
Ellie

Mommy (Kelli) said...

Hugs, Sarah.

Anonymous said...

I'm so very sorry that Abigail is not here on earth with you today. Your blog is so amazing - and it drives awareness on so many issues. You truly are an amazing mom.

Katlyn

Anonymous said...

Sarah,
{HUGS}
Love, Mom

Anonymous said...

I've experienced child loss as well. It is painful and everyone goes through a different grieving process. I in no way diminish your loss and suffering, but I think there is a message that may help you to let go of some of the burden that you've been carrying. Would you go to https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LbK9NXTaO6A&index=10&list=UUYfMDB1ja9t6m84kH1XtkDg and listen to this when you have time? Friends of mine wrote this beautiful song. I hope their message brings you peace and a message of comfort today. Prayers for you and your family.

Bernice said...

Many prayers are with you as you get thru this sad anniversary.

Chantel said...

We laid a flower at the Angel of Hope for her on Curtis' birthday. She is always remembered.

Aimee said...

Take care of yourself <3

Anonymous said...

42 years ago May 8 - - - still born baby Catherine. I will always wonder what I might have done differently that could have had a better outcome. We still bring flowers to the cemetery on Memorial Day and Christmas Day. In the meantime, many happy events and memories with healthy children who are now grown with children of their own (yay for grandchildren!!). The sadness, questions, grief will always be there. It doesn't diminish the good times to come. It is just a part of your family history.