I sometimes wonder if it would be different if I knew. Well, I do know. There wasn't enough oxygen and essentially, she suffocated. But how did that happen? And why? I don't suppose an answer would change my grief though. After all, grief is grief. It's been eight years and I still ask questions. I still research and rehash what was said to me, trying to piece together clues that everyone has moved on from. I can only conclude that babies don't always come when they're ready. And there's research to back that. A placenta can break down, amniotic fluid can disappear, a nightmare can turn into reality. I want everyone to know that this can happen.
It's been eight years and I still feel many of the emotions I felt back then. Anger, sadness, bitterness, despair, guilt, regret. It doesn't just go away. Emotions soften with time but they are still there.
Abigail's headstone lists her date of birth - June 4 - which may seem odd because she died before she was born. This past week is always a slow, difficult one with each day marking memories leading up to her birth. And then it's June 4th. And another year passes.