Saturday, May 12, 2012

Life

I am watching the sun set over the houses in front of us as I begin this.  Rich and I are both exhausted so we ordered a pizza for dinner tonight.  I have the house to myself (with 3 sleeping beauties upstairs) for a few moments while Rich is out picking up our dinner.

I was kind of grumpy yesterday and today.  Just feeling overwhelmed with all there is to do.  Feeling tired from sick (minor colds although Allie's cough is borderline on needing her inhaler) little ones keeping me awake at night.  I snapped at the girls a few times today.  There was a lot of "No, Mommy do it!" when Rich was doing something or "No, Daddy do it!" when I was doing something.  Things like clicking car seat belts or pouring bowls of cereal.  You know.  Those important things that have to be done by a certain parent.

Parenting after a loss is hard.  I'm overprotective.  I have nightmares so terrible that I don't ever speak of them because I don't want those thoughts in Rich's mind.  I wonder if I've babied the girls too much.  I feel guilty when I snap at them.  No parent is perfect.  I know.  I just don't ever want to live with feelings of regret.

Tonight, the girls asked to see pictures of me when I was little.  I pulled out my baby book and we looked at pictures and I read notes that my mom had written about me and my development.  We giggled over my drawings and letters to the tooth fairy and Santa Claus.  I told the girls that I need to make baby books for them.  I have a secret spot in the basement where I save certain drawings and, of course, I have many other items that will fill scrapbooks.  I can't believe that they are already five years old.

It was a nice way to end the evening.  Although, there was some bath drama and resulting tears with Allie.  Tomorrow is a new day.

After everything we went through with Abigail, I know how lucky we are.  I just hate that I sometimes need a slap of reality to remember this.    

8 comments:

Debbie Hein said...

Yes, Sarah, you are lucky. But the thing of it is, you KNOW it,and you are a better Mom for it.
Losing Abbey will never be far from your thoughts, and therefore, it is always a part of you. I know that I was a different Mom after our Timmy died. I was already a great Mom to Kim, she was my everything. But after I lost him, I was a "different" Mom. More overprotective, over indulgent perhaps, and more in the moment. Michelle was almost never without me near, never without a want, etc. Was it right...was I a better Mom? Well, sometimes, I know I should have let go a little, made her do some things I didn't. All because I knew that in the blink of a minute I could loose her. In the end both of my girls have become amazing women, and I am proud to know them. You will see that too in the years to come. Happy Mothers Day from one of the Moms who "knows"...

Kendall said...

The important thing is that you make yourself remember -- you don't continue in the fog. I think you are such a good mother and person. Realizing our mistakes is the only way to fix them - thanks for the inspiration and have yourself a wonderful Mother's Day :)


--kendall
songbirdsandbuttons.blogspot.com

The Cramer Life said...

I can't imagine how hard it would be to lose a child. But your loss was heavens gain. And as easy as that is to say, it can't be easy to go through but Praise God for the 3 you have now and the one you'll be reunited with in the future! Happy mothers day!

Hope's Mama said...

"Parenting after a loss is hard. I'm overprotective. I have nightmares so terrible that I don't ever speak of them because I don't want those thoughts in Rich's mind. I wonder if I've babied the girls too much. I feel guilty when I snap at them. No parent is perfect. I know. I just don't ever want to live with feelings of regret."

Yep, me too Sarah.

xo

Emily said...

Sarah,
Your words and how you raise your daughters are such an inspiration to me as I raise my twins. Your blog helped me through my pregnancy and now helps me be more patient with my girls when I'm tired, not feeling well, etc.
I hope you have a wonderful Mother's Day with your beautiful family!

KimB said...

You have every right to be tired, and to snap sometimes. You're a mom.

Not sure if it's something about this age... I don't remember my 9 and 7 year olds doing this, but right now my just-turned-5 yr old (aka the screecher, born a week before your AAE) is driving me bananas. Narrow comfort zone. Screams if you look at him cross-eyed. We don't give in to the tantrums. We don't get it. Just hope he gets more comfortable with himself soon and irons out these issues. I'm tired and I'm sure I'll be deaf soon.

Alina L said...

Sarah,
You HAVE to be easier on yourself! You are a wonderful, wonderful mommy and you can't expect to never feel tired, frustrated, annoyed at things that come with parenting. I have no idea what it's like to go through a loss like yours - I get shivers and hug my boys just a little tighter when I think about your journey. But in my humble opinion, you should make yourself a T-shirt or something that says "I'm an awesome mom" and look at it whenever you think you've been just a tad less than perfect. Cause you are.

Sarah said...

Thank you all for your kind words.

KimB - Thank you SO MUCH for posting your comment. Anna has been having tantrums and crying fits too. We don't get it either and say that she is going thru the terrible 2s now.