I am watching the sun set over the houses in front of us as I begin this. Rich and I are both exhausted so we ordered a pizza for dinner tonight. I have the house to myself (with 3 sleeping beauties upstairs) for a few moments while Rich is out picking up our dinner.
I was kind of grumpy yesterday and today. Just feeling overwhelmed with all there is to do. Feeling tired from sick (minor colds although Allie's cough is borderline on needing her inhaler) little ones keeping me awake at night. I snapped at the girls a few times today. There was a lot of "No, Mommy do it!" when Rich was doing something or "No, Daddy do it!" when I was doing something. Things like clicking car seat belts or pouring bowls of cereal. You know. Those important things that have to be done by a certain parent.
Parenting after a loss is hard. I'm overprotective. I have nightmares so terrible that I don't ever speak of them because I don't want those thoughts in Rich's mind. I wonder if I've babied the girls too much. I feel guilty when I snap at them. No parent is perfect. I know. I just don't ever want to live with feelings of regret.
Tonight, the girls asked to see pictures of me when I was little. I pulled out my baby book and we looked at pictures and I read notes that my mom had written about me and my development. We giggled over my drawings and letters to the tooth fairy and Santa Claus. I told the girls that I need to make baby books for them. I have a secret spot in the basement where I save certain drawings and, of course, I have many other items that will fill scrapbooks. I can't believe that they are already five years old.
It was a nice way to end the evening. Although, there was some bath drama and resulting tears with Allie. Tomorrow is a new day.
After everything we went through with Abigail, I know how lucky we are. I just hate that I sometimes need a slap of reality to remember this.