Friday, March 4, 2011

Happy birthday to me?

Today is my birthday.

In a few hours, I will no longer have a valid driver's license. Thankyouverymuch to the online renewal system for that.

I have never been a big "yeah it's my birthday give me lots of presents" type of person. Now that I am old, I prefer to have the day just come and go. There was so much going on last year that I forgot how old I was. I knew that I was year older but the age 30x was still in my head. Not 30x+1. Until a month later when I accidentally logged onto the profile of one of my online accounts and saw 30x+1 staring back at me.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! How did I get so oooooooooooooooold!

Maybe I'm having a midlife crisis but do you ever feel like you should be doing something different? And I'm not talking about work or a job. I'm talking about something bigger than you ever imagined yourself doing? Something greater than your own self?

I never really felt like this until I had kids. Sure, I had life goals and I always pushed myself to succeed but this is a different feeling. One that I can't exactly put my finger on.

I sometimes wonder if this is simply what it feels like to be a parent. Maybe that something bigger is the act of being a parent. Of giving little beings everything you have. I still feel like I should be doing more.

I try to use photography and sewing as creative outlets. Not much time for that though. And since Abbey's death, I have wanted to write a book. I want the world to know about her. I want the world to know what stillbirth is. With each passing day, I'm afraid that details of her short life will slip away from me. I want to write it all out before I forget.

Rich mentioned earlier this week that he was having trouble coming up with a birthday present for me. It honestly didn't matter if he bought a gift or not. I mentioned the 105mm lens that I've been checking out. I guess he didn't like the $800 price tag that goes along with it.

Rich asked me if I really wanted an iPhone and I don't. I wouldn't use it and it would be a waste of money. I do have a netbook (a tiny baby laptop) that I use on the train for blogging. For me, this is the best use of time for blogging but unfortunately, the free wifi offered on the train isn't very reliable and can be downright frustrating at times. We talked about getting those cards or whatever they are (can you tell that I am so far behind when it comes to technology?) so that I can connect to the internet from wherever.

Instead, Rich surprised me with Tiffany silver earrings. Which I love!

But I think we need to look into that internet stuff because maybe then I can write my book, which will be here because, really, I know that I would never be a New York Times bestseller.

I do have to say that these three little faces help me forget my age.

mar4a

How can I care about that when I have this?

mar4b

Love.

mar4c

A click for my birthday?

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19 comments:

Jayme said...

Happy Birthday!

Jennifer said...

Happy, happy Birthday!!!

Tina Michelle said...

Happy birthday. Love those pictures. It is hard getting older and wondering where your life has gone and what is next yet still be happy with the accomplishments in your life.

Hope's Mama said...

Happy birthday! I hear you on wanting to write a book. I wrote about 40,000 words in the months after Hope died. I was on maternity leave but there was no baby to look after, so suddenly I found myself with all this spare time. I just had to get it out. I haven't looked at it in two or more years, but one day I hope to get it published. I think if I wrote her story now though, it would be a very different read and I'd love to add to her story too, to show what's changed since.
I also meant to comment on your last post, but never got a chance - love your approach to parenting and love to hear that someone else is doing things similar to me. I am proud that at 15 months old, Angus has never watched more than a minute or two of television at a time. We mostly keep it off when he's up and as a result, he has no interest in it. We always played outside as kids, so this is what we try and encourage him to do as much as possible.
xo

Polyvorina said...

Happy birthday!

BreezieGirl said...

Happy Birthday!

Marcia (123 blog) said...

Happy birthday, Sarah, and all the best with the book.

I'm also going to write a book this year but mine will be non-fiction on organising :)

lindasjournal said...

Happy birthday to you!!!

Twins' proud godmother said...

Happy birthday Sarah !

Cindy said...

Happy Birthday!
And a click for you ;)

Sarah said...

Happy Birthday... a few hours late! I think you would be surprised by how many people would read your book! I don't remember how I found your blog, but have you been to this blog before?

http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/

Angie just wrote a book....

Sara B said...

Happy Birthday!

I know exactly what you mean about wanting to do something more. Sometimes I also think being a mother is the something bigger - if I can teach my child empathy and instill in him a passion for social justice, maybe I am doing my tiny part to make the world a better place?

Souza Sisters said...

Happy Birthday!!

Chantel said...

Happy Birthday...I cannot believe I am almost 36. I don't FEEL what I think 36 is...but at the same time having seen so many people die way before their time (our babies, teenagers, young adults and parents) I have decided I would rather age and watch my children age. It helps me remember how precious it is to be (almost) 36!

Jenn said...

A very Happy Birthday Sarah!

Jessica said...

Happy Birthday!!!

E said...

Happy Birthday! Those pics are adorable!

Sarah said...

Thank you, everyone.

Sally - I would love to read what you have written. Please let me know if it is ever published.

Chantel -that is so true. I hadn't been thinking of life that way.

Sarah - thank you for that link. I will have to check out her blog and book.

Tracy said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! I totally agree you can't worry about your age with those gorgeous little faces smiling at you. I have been 40++1 for a while and can't say I mind it one bit!! I hope you write your book... it sounds like a wonderful and meaningful endeavor.