There are certain dates that stay with me.
As we moved into December this year and activities began to fill our calendar, the first weekend of the month kept jumping out at me. December 4th and 5th. December 4th and 5th, I would repeat to myself and pause. Those days this year were busy ones full of cuteness, hugs, kisses and new experiences for all of us. There was some grumpiness as well but wouldn't we rather have grumpiness than the alternative?
December 4, 2006
I should be celebrating my baby's six month birthday. There should be cute Christmas outfits and photos. Instead, the fourth day of every month is an anniversary of emptiness. I am seventeen weeks pregnant and while I should be over the moon at being pregnant again, this time it is different. This time I wait for something to go wrong. This time I know that people think I will be okay now because a replacement baby is coming.
Something isn't quite right with this pregnancy either. I was just pregnant a year ago and I know how I should feel. My midsection is too big and physically, I am a mess. My doctor has prescribed a concoction of over the counter and prescription remedies, none of which seem to be doing the trick.
Rich isn't going to be home until later and I need to go to CVS to pick up said medications. There was a snow/slush mixture earlier in the day that has now hardened into an icy mess. I push myself out the door and shovel as much as I can. I give myself a pep talk and pull some energy out of the last of my reserves as I crawl into the car.
It's hard to avoid the holiday decorations and paraphernalia that litter the store. I stop and stare at the Baby's First Christmas stockings. I contemplate purchasing them all and leaving them at Abbey's headstone. What am I supposed to do? I have to do something for her.
December 5, 2006
Today marks my third prenatal appointment for this pregnancy and my big ultrasound. You know - the one where everyone finds out if they are having a boy or a girl. I want to know if we are having a boy or a girl because I want to name my baby as soon as possible. I don't want to take anything for granted this time around.
If we are having a boy, he will be named Caleb Thomas. For girls' names, I've been tossing around Alicenne and Anna. Maybe Aliceanna. Or just Alicenne Anna. I know that the baby is okay for now because I can feel him or her spinning around.
"Did you take any fertility drugs?"
"I see three babies."
"The babies are all sharing one placenta."
"One of the babies has a birth defect."
"There's a build up of fluid in the baby's brain."
"Let's talk about selective reduction."
"Were they able to find the bladder?"
"Do you want to terminate the pregnancy?"
"I would say cautiously optimistic."