Wednesday, December 8, 2010

December 4th. December 5th

There are certain dates that stay with me.

As we moved into December this year and activities began to fill our calendar, the first weekend of the month kept jumping out at me. December 4th and 5th. December 4th and 5th, I would repeat to myself and pause. Those days this year were busy ones full of cuteness, hugs, kisses and new experiences for all of us. There was some grumpiness as well but wouldn't we rather have grumpiness than the alternative?

December 4, 2006

I should be celebrating my baby's six month birthday. There should be cute Christmas outfits and photos. Instead, the fourth day of every month is an anniversary of emptiness. I am seventeen weeks pregnant and while I should be over the moon at being pregnant again, this time it is different. This time I wait for something to go wrong. This time I know that people think I will be okay now because a replacement baby is coming.

Something isn't quite right with this pregnancy either. I was just pregnant a year ago and I know how I should feel. My midsection is too big and physically, I am a mess. My doctor has prescribed a concoction of over the counter and prescription remedies, none of which seem to be doing the trick.

Rich isn't going to be home until later and I need to go to CVS to pick up said medications. There was a snow/slush mixture earlier in the day that has now hardened into an icy mess. I push myself out the door and shovel as much as I can. I give myself a pep talk and pull some energy out of the last of my reserves as I crawl into the car.

It's hard to avoid the holiday decorations and paraphernalia that litter the store. I stop and stare at the Baby's First Christmas stockings. I contemplate purchasing them all and leaving them at Abbey's headstone. What am I supposed to do? I have to do something for her.

December 5, 2006

Today marks my third prenatal appointment for this pregnancy and my big ultrasound. You know - the one where everyone finds out if they are having a boy or a girl. I want to know if we are having a boy or a girl because I want to name my baby as soon as possible. I don't want to take anything for granted this time around.

If we are having a boy, he will be named Caleb Thomas. For girls' names, I've been tossing around Alicenne and Anna. Maybe Aliceanna. Or just Alicenne Anna. I know that the baby is okay for now because I can feel him or her spinning around.

"Did you take any fertility drugs?"

"I see three babies."

"The babies are all sharing one placenta."

"One of the babies has a birth defect."

"There's a build up of fluid in the baby's brain."

"Let's talk about selective reduction."

"Were they able to find the bladder?"

"Do you want to terminate the pregnancy?"

"I would say cautiously optimistic."


B said...

Oh S, I am so sorry. Hugs my dear.

Julia said...

Jesus, I know you are the happiest mom now, but that must have been a hard day. Hugs to you.

Pyjammy Pam said...

oh sarah. :( i hate that december 4, which is such a happy day for me, is such a sad one for you.

hugs, mama.

Anonymous said...

I am sorry. We found out I was pregnant with triplets when I was 7 weeks pregnant, only because I was spotting while on vacation and we thought I was miscarrying, so we went to the ER. And they found the triplets. Otherwise, I don't think we would've found out until week 17 or 18 either, like you - at that point I only measured about two weeks ahead, and our rinky hospital would've thought I'd gotten the date of my last period wrong.

I always tell my husband that I am glad now about the spotting, because I do not know how we would have handled hearing "You're having triplets" quickly followed by "one baby has a birth defect." I mean, I know we would've because what else do you do? But I'm sorry you had to have all that shock at once, on top of mourning Abbey.

Hope's Mama said...

Oh Sarah, I can empathise with so much of what you say. Of course the parts about a baby's first Christmas when there is no baby, and the uncertainty of a new pregnancy and much wanted second pregnancy and wondering what everyone will think when the new "replacement" baby comes along. But to find out there were three babies and one was so ill - I will never fully understand how you got through it all and how you manage to continue to live the new life you were handed with such grace and courage.
You are such an inspiring Mama, and that's why I love reading here.
Your girls are beautiful. All four of them. Even though most people only ever see the three.

Anonymous said...

I agree exactly with everything "Hopes Mama" said in her post. Your post left me in tears. You are an amazing woman and so are all your children.


Sarah said...

Big hugs to you. Your post brought me to tears.

Wendy said...

Oh Sarah... how I can't even imagine. learning so close to such an awful anniversary that you are having THREE babies; must have been terrifying
<3 love you, mama.